Disappear.

Disappear. It’s not the first time I have wanted to do that. Life is just strange in that sense I guess; at one point you feel like you want everybody to know you, then without warning you just don’t want to be noticed. I am currently (for once) torn between going to university right after high school or taking a slight break inbetween in order to find myself.  I haven’t been accepted to the university I wish to go to yet (still on hold) and it is really affecting how I am living right now. I have very little to pretty much no enthusiasm in what I do because the thought of university in the back of my mind. I don’t feel the urge to shoot photos when I have a camera, the urge to play ultimate, and the urge to do anything in the first place. Now I want to go find myself again. Yes, again. I thought I had everything figured out…well actually I didn’t, but I had a rough idea of what my dream was: I wanted to become a photographer. I had thoughts of aiming to become a photographer for National Geographic, a photojournalist, a war photographer, or just a professional photographer in general. I wanted to attend university to learn and experience post-secondary education and then go from there. I did do not want to work for someone else’s agenda, albeit National Geographic is kind of hypocritical it’s ok only because it invovles photography. Before I get too far off topic, the last year of my photography experience has shown me that I may not have all the qualifications necessary to become a professional photographer.  People may say I have the “skills” of a professional photographer, but there is just so much more involved to being successful than any sort of “skills” one may have.  With a world of over (what is it now?) 6 billion people, there is bound to be at least 10 people who are more qualified than you are. Deep down I know that I am not an amazing photographer. Despite this, I still get comments about how good I am at photography, sometimes from the same person. I would be lying if I said the comments don’t make me feel good great about myself. I think it’s human nature and I know that my photography is better than the average person, but like I said before, in a world of over 6 billion people there’s bound to be someone better than you at something in some shape, way, or form. I think I have a few comma splices there (the wonders of school), I also think this feeling is something called modesty (I might be wrong though). The biggest reason I feel this way though is fear. I am afraid of becoming someone who is arrogant and believes that he is the best of the best, that his photography “skills” are above everyone’s. I fear looking down on someone just because they are not able to do something as well as someone else. Yeah. That’s my deepest most darkest fear. Weird.

I emphasize again, I thought I figured it out. But two occurances changed it all. The first, was at Jerry’s house. He was having an early birthday “party” (if you could call it that). I quite enjoyed it either way, but near the end everyone ended up doing their own thing. I decided to watch TV, but Leo, Natasha and Jason were having a discussion about university, how UBC works, and what kind of future a person can get with a degree in this and a degree in that. It kind of made me realize: I had no friggin idea about anything whatsoever. I then decided to just continue watching TV and it was on the National Geographic channel (there was really nothing else I could watch at Jerry’s house; none of the channels he had I wanted to watch). The subject of National Geographic was Alaska, more specifically though, it was about a type of shark that would travel to the coast of Alaska to eat salmon as the salmon were swimming back to their spawning grounds. The shots of the place were amazing I really have no other words to describe it. I continued to hear talk about university during commerical breaks, so my mind was really boggled by the time I left. The second event was fairly recent and somewhat stupid. I saw a pod of dolphins as I was taking the ferry back to the Lower Mainland from Vancouver Island. I had not seen any dolphins swim beside ships and jumping around in person before and it was quite something. I won’t go as far as to say it was a life changing experience, but it did make me realize how little I had seen in this world and how much there could be seen. These days you need quite a nice amount of cashflow in order to travel, but at the same time you don’t want to spend a lot of time working. A balance of both would be best, but I really can’t express this feeling right now. It’s kind of strange.

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3 thoughts on “Disappear.”

  1. i haven’t seen your photos yet…but as far as letting out your feelings/observations on the piece of paper is concerned; you are pretty good at it =)

    you are right about getting into too many things initially and then wanting to disappear from every single thing that you started. Its human nature i guess…its when there is so much inside you…you turn off the main power switch…coz when you are empty from inside..you try getting into too many things…want recognition…want ppl to acknowledge you…your phase is understandable…clitche it might sound..but im going through the same aahhh…shit…!

  2. You’re on the right track though, and being confused is part of the slow slow path.. I struggled with this so much in first semester, and I was confusing myself in circles of what if I could do that and if only I was this.. here is something I learned from this year: it doesn’t matter what other people are, it doesn’t matter that there are at least 10 other people better than you, because when you come out of it, you’re still going to be you and there’s nothing the 10 other people could ever try to be you. And that’s something to appreciate.. that you’re an individual.

    I didn’t learn about degrees and such until I failed and got up and failed and got up again.. after much consulting with older students did I get a tiny bit of information. I’m still very confused, but I’m not afraid anymore.. because you’ll realize that it’s not worth it to be afraid, although it is natural to be, because there is no right or wrong answer to life.

    and your dream of being a professional photographer, you are way more on track than anyone else I know around me. You have a passion, and the 10 people who have your skills, i bet some of them don’t have the passion as strong as yours. One may be good at something but not be able to enjoy it. So hold onto your passion and learn all the things the world has to offer, and go towards your dream. Don’t feel held back, you’re on your way no matter how uncertain it feels.

    🙂 cheering you on!

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